Our NICU Story
In 2017, we began our journey to start a family. Fast forward five years and 24 weeks later, we found ourselves in the NICU fighting to keep that journey going. This is our story as it unfolded and continues to grow.
Thank you to our village of family, friends, and strangers, for all for your love, support, and words of encouragement. It has truly meant the world to us.
July 6, 2023
Happy Birthday, Dad
It’s been 5 months since I lost my dad. It feels like forever. I thought losing him was hard. I was wrong. Missing him is worse. Picking up the phone to call him before remembering he can’t answer. Walking into my parent’s house knowing he won’t be there to greet me. Celebrating anything without him there. We just had our baby shower last weekend. It was beautiful...
March 15, 2023
Happy Birthday, Penny
Penny came into this world one year ago today. She weighed less than a can of Coke and was three and a half inches shy of a $5 footlong. She seemed impossible. But she wasn’t. I saw her with my own eyes, touched her with my hands. She was incredibly real, which makes it so much harder that she’s not here...
November 1, 2022
When in Doubt, Go to the Library
Since Penny's passing we've been creating little memories, moments, objects, projects. For us at least, it's a pivotal part of our healing. Recently our next door neighbors reached out to us about creating a little library in honor of Penny. They had acquired a little free library from a local boyscout and asked if I wanted to decorate it. I jumped at the opportunity with a lightness in my...
July 3, 2022
Memories
Today is Penny’s due date. It’s been 16 weeks since she was born and 11 since she left us. An indescribably difficult 4 months filled with many, many tears. Every new experience, every holiday, every event feels empty with out her, knowing she should be there. Knowing our plans would shift to accommodate her nap or feeding schedule. The pain of her absence evident in the subtleties of each...
May 7, 2022
A Mothers Day Wish
Tomorrow is Mothers Day and Penny has been gone for almost 3 weeks. Three weeks of processing my grief. Three weeks of tears, anguish, and joy in her memory. Three weeks of desperately missing my little girl, wishing that she was here with me on this of all days. Through my grief I often transport myself back to my days in the NICU. Analyzing every moment, reimagining the nuances of her movement..
April 19, 2022
Pennies from Heaven
“And every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven.” Yesterday we lost our sweet Penny. Our strong fighter. Our little Snow White. We didn’t leave her bedside the last few days, and our doctors gave us hope that she might make it. That the measures they were taking might pull her through. That hope was so welcome, so needed. At just before 5:30 they discovered Penny was bleeding internally...
April 17, 2022
I wish…
"I wish, More than life, I wish, More than anything, More than the moon, I wish we had a child" - Into the Woods // Today is my birthday and the only gift I want is lying in a plastic box, wrapped in a fleece blanket. If I could blow out a million candles, I’d wish for the same thing every single time. Penny is not doing well. This is the worst she’s been so far in her five weeks of life...
April 15, 2022
Mom
Mom. It sounds so strange to say. Mom. I am a mom. There’s an unexpected disconnect, being a mom to a tiny micro-preemie in the NICU. I’m a mom to a baby I am deeply bonded to, but cannot hold, kiss, or press to my chest. A baby who is apart from me. A beautiful little girl in a clear box. A tiny Snow White, confined to her isolette until she is released from her spell. This rollercoaster...
April 5, 2022
Butter Baby
Today marks three weeks of life for little Penelope Ann. Three. Weeks. We can hardly believe it. It simultaneously feels like it’s been three days and three years. As 2020 taught us all, though, time is merely a construct. A necessary evil, giving and taking as it pleases. At this point in time, however, we’re doing alright. This past weekend was a different story, and tomorrow may differ still...
March 31, 2022
Hard Day’s Night
"It's been a hard day's night, And I've been workin' like a dog, It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleepin' like a log, But when I get home to you, I find the things that you do. Will make me feel alright" --A Hard Day's Night, The Beatles // Sixteen days. Sixteen nights. Sixteen mornings. Going to sleep anxious, waking up to find she's still here. Good news in the morning...
March 27, 2022
Days Like This
“Mama said there’ll be days like this, there’ll be days like this my mama said.” - Mama Said, The Shirelles // Penny had a good first 11 days. She’s already jumped a few tall hurdles. Her day three and seven head scans came back with no signs of brain bleed, which is huge. She gained around 75-100g in the first week. She pooped. These are big steps in the right direction. But every nurse and...
March 26, 2022
Penny’s Pennies
"Every time it rains, it rains, pennies from heaven." Penny continues to amaze us. Day by day she gets a bit bigger and a little stronger. She pooped today! Twice! The things you get excited about with a NICU baby. She's still so frail, and nothing is guaranteed. Every day we find ourselves holding our breath, afraid to exhale. But she's still here, and that's enough. We still can't get over the..
March 23, 2022
Uncle Cake
Yesterday marked Penny's 7th day of life. Her one-week birthday. I wish I could bake her the teeniest, tiniest birthday cake. I love to bake. So much so that my nieces and nephew in Vermont call me Uncle Cake. It's cathartic (when it goes right). Going line-by-line down a recipe, precisely weighing out ingredients, meticulously decorating (but never fully satisfied with the end result). It rela...
March 22, 2022
I’m Lovin’ It
On Saturday, Jenny was discharged from the hospital. Alicia, the NICU social worker, had already put us in contact with the Ronald McDonald House Near Lurie’s, who quickly offered us a room to stay in as long as we need, free of charge. Jenny’s folks, sister, and our brother-in-law helped us relocate from the constant care and monitoring at the hospital to our new home-away-from-home. I thought...
March 20, 2022
Lucky Penny
"Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." We won't be able to pick our Penny up any time soon, and yet the luck abounds. Although, to call it luck diminishes the hard work and determination of the incredibly skilled nurses and doctors at the Northwestern NICU. A well-oiled machine pales in comparison to what's happening on the 10th floor. Every morning a flurry of acronyms..
March 19, 2022
She is Fierce
It feels like we picked the name Penelope forever ago. I mean, we've had a good five years to think about it. The name isn't popular, we didn't see it on a top baby names list, it's not in honor of an ancestor or close family friend. But something about Penelope, Penny for short, just grabbed our hearts and squeezed. We've dreamed about her. Imagined what she would be like. Jenny and I are both...
March 18, 2022